I write this, as I miss out on something else because of being ill. Its becoming a frustarting regular occurance. A friend messaged me asking exactly what is going on with my health. For the life of you I couldnt say. I dont even know if i should call myself chronically ill. I keep wishing that I wake up one day and I feel better. But that day hasnt come for months now. I think Im grieving the lose of my old life, but in my head I think am I entitled to grieve, maybe it is all in my head, maybe I just need to try harder. Its like a nightmare. The worried looks off my mum, the confused faces off doctors, the dismissive "nothing i can do for you" gp appointments, the sound in my grannys voice as she says "but is it effecting your quality of life" the pause as i answer truthfully yes. Watching my friends lives through my phone, as im stuck in bed with another headache.
Being scared to go outsidr, because everytime i go for a walk I struggle to breathe and get sick.The worry of every time i am in pain and my chest feels on fire, is this the end. Am I being dramtic? Am I trying hard enough? But surely I was made for more than this? The feeling of unfairness fills my throat, and clouds my eyes as I feel a tear seep down my cheek. But I worked so hard for my life, Ive been to therapy, I got my a levels, i rebuilt my life after abuse. All for this, all to sit in my bed and cry. I want to be out there swimming in the ocean, trying new food without it hurting, to run uo mounatins without collapsing and being in bed for weeks. I know I wont be like this forever, it just feels this way. My body feels like its collapsing in on its self. I know the only reason I feel this bad as im normal ill on top of everything else. But I dream of the day that I can go to the gym, meet a friend, go out with friends, live on my own. Yes Im lucky Im at home, but am I really ? But do I want pity no, to suddenley become weak that your granny says to you "maybe you shoudlnt leave the house without someone" to see the concerned look "as your mum lets you walk to the shops alone". Its dehumanisng, to have my indepdence ripped from me. But what if its something else creeps into my mind, but it cant be im so young. I can make this work i say, after all ive survived this far. Im on my own i say as i solate myself further and further into my room. But Im not really Im not alone, but I feel alone and quite frankly Im scared. I can see my mum think about weather its the right time to go to back to therapy.
But, to sit in front of my therapist, and say that all our work was no use because I cant even achieve these dreams at this point in time if i wanted to or even if i talked about it it would make no use. To see her look in pity would be too much. So I sit and write this, i cuddle my dog, I water my plants, i do my laundry, eat my cheesye pasta. Delete the dating apps no ones ever going to want to date me now, im too much of a liablity. Good news do I ahve any to share with people I got 12 hours of sleep pain free, my headache has gone, I ate a whole burger. But yet today is a good day and yet I cant bring mhyself to do anhything.Because what if I cross that line and get another epiosde again and Im all alone. What can I give people? Im doing nothing with my life? I miss laughing, im being dramatic. Maybe i should go for my hot girl walk. But the thoight of seeing everyone
else go on with there lives while Im stuck in one place fills me with bitterness and resentment. Im a happy person, i can smile through this. Im totally not scared and sad. This is normal to feel this way I tell myself, but is it maybe im weak, maybe somone else could deal with this better? people will get fed up of me being ill evdiently. Life will get better Im sure
Lots of love
Amy
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