TRIGGER WARNING for heavy mention suicidal thoughts and sucide
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The last month has just been me crying my eyes. I've had some really fun moments, but the sad moments seem to have vastly overtaken my life. But recently life has been slightly better. By that I mean the last few days. I've noticed with my suspected pots the main trigger for me is when I get ill, and I've been illness free for over a week, so even though I'm still suffering it is slightly more manageable. Ivee got a new job, which to be honest I need the money, but also to help my mental health.
I'm often wary of speaking about this, as I always want to be careful of how I speak about sucidal thoughts, but at the same time I think its important to talk about this. According to an article published by the guardian (One in 10 suicides linked to chronic illness, study finds | Health | The Guardian) 1 in 10 suicides are linked to having a chronic illness. As I google the internet trying to find out how life threatening having POTS is, I stumble across the high suicide risks. And before all this was happening, before summer. I remember thinking as a selfish thoughtless teenager does that I would kill myself if I was disabled because what life is that (I'm aware how grossly ableist that statement is) so its almost ironic how here I am chronically ill and disabled and yet even though I struggle with suicidal thoughts, there still is this spark in me trying to claw for any kind of life. Dont get me wrong this last month has been a desperate attempt by me and my mum to bring any form of smile on my face, to distract myself, and the thoughts are very scary.
Suicidal thoughts are no stranger to me, many times I have contemplated ending it all, and Im not saying this for attention, but to raise awareness and help any one else out there feel slightly less alone. But even though in this time ive felt scared, Ive never gone through with it. So I got quite comfortable with these thoughts, as I knew that I never went through it, I put it down to my ADHD mood swings and meds helped alot with it so I didnt have these extreme highs and lows. It wasn't until September when I was speaking to a psychologist, and she told me these are actually suicidal thoughts, that i really twigged that this was not normal.
Obviously since finding out Im chronically ill, it hit me harder than I thought, I always think its stupid in my head because its only a health condition but its the feeling that this is forever and incurable ill just have to learn to manage it it feels scary and like a life sentence. Doctors and other people tell me it might go away and might respond well to treatment so that I can go on with my normal life but no one can guarentee this, everything now just seems down to luck. But on my bad days, that doesn't matter because Im in pain now. I worry about how I will cope, what if I ahve an episode? How am i going to work? Is my mum going to have to chaperone for me the rest of my life? Will it get worse? What if no one ever wants to be in a relationship with me?
On my good days I can feel like today that I can take on the world, because those days are manageable its just muscle aches, light chest pain, light headaches, dizziness. But on the bad days the pain doesn't stop, the longest Ive been in constant pain was 7 days and it was the longest days of my life, it was so bad I couldn't even watch tv, iyt felt never ending, like there was no escape, and it would never get better. One of my friends suggested taking photos of the good days to remind myself that it gets better and it really does. Im holding on to those moments were I feel on top of the world, so in a way work saved my life, as has being around horses again and my friends and my mum and my dog they have been absolutely life savers. Even though they don't understand, which I understand, because the annoying thing with pots is that no one knows.
I write this and wish I could give you this massive happy ever after, but I think in a way I can. Here I am after having a good day of riding horses, having lunch with friends and dinner with my mum. My mum says she wishes she took a photo of me with the horses as that was the first time she had seen me properly smile in ages. And that made me happy. I remind myself that this is a phase in my life. And I'm learning that the bad days are making the good days more worthwhile.
Love
Amy x
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