On this day, I was thinking of all the women around the world who feel like they are going crazy or are being told they are crazy by doctors. I run this blog and social media accounts, and the most common comment I recieve is "me and my doctors are confused as my bloods are normal" and it does start me wondering why still in 2024 is the body with a uterus such a mystery and why we are still gaslight,bullied and ignored
. I once sat waiting in a waiting room waiting for an appt to talk about my heavy period and painful period. All to be told by the doctor that all I could do was go on the coil. And he is not wrong, thats he all he can give me, a procedure that is done with no pain relief. And just before in the waiting room I had been reading a poster of all the medictaion they can pescribe for ericle dysfunction, with little side effects were added (something those of us on birth control could only dream of). And I remeber leaving angry not at the doctor as he did take me seriously, ordered some scans and bloods. But they will probably show up normal.
And I suppose I do wonder why more research into uterus health problems isnt being done. 2 in 3 women struggle with gynecological health problems, but only 2.5% of research is focused on that, its just not seen as a priority. I learnt from a rhemtologist that womens bodies are hard to diagnose and work out what is going on as clinical studies are done on men?
This is why I wrote this, its the feeling of knowing there is something wrong with your body, but not being able to find what it is so you feel like you are going crazy:
I wonder if everyone is so preoccupied in death
Not a single day goes by when I don’t think about dying
Somedays it fills me with terror, I want to claw my way to life
Other days it feels like a sweet release to feeling this I’ll
No one has every directly told me “you are going to die”
But yet somehow I have been forced to face my own mortality more times than I could count on my hand
Just the very possibility passes through me every day
Even if it’s a 1% possibility, it still plays on my mind
It could be 10,30,50,60 and I think it would still feel the same sort of panic
And I want to scream to the universe “not now I have so much I want to do”
But the universe isn’t snatching me away at this moment
So there is no need for the bargaining
But I feel like I’m dying
Weather that’s just all in my mind
A very product of my illness
Or the constant stress of everything
I feel like I am dying, so I stress about dying everyday
In a way that makes sense when you put it like that
Seems a little less loony
Not that it is loony to think that way, in fact a lot of the time it’s very logically to think or your own mortality
But I can understand to the healthy body and mind this all seems insane
I can imagine you phoning the psychatiry vans right now
But none of this is about wanting to die
In fact it’s about wanting to live, to live so badly I would swallow any medication they give me, no matter the side effects, or the cancer risk
It’s wanting to live so badly, that it’s forcing yourself to live while you feel like your dying
It’s not the actual death I’m afraid of, it’s the way of dying and possibility’s of ways I could die that disturb my mind at night keeping me up at 3am
It’s the not being prepared, not knowing what to prepare for life or death or in between
It’s the leaving the earth to soon
You know when people say “it’s such a shame, they died to young” and you think to yourself it’s actually just a crime for anyone to die what has youth got anything to do with it
Well my mind has been firmly changed
There right it’s to young, to have your future and all these experiences ripped from you
But yet I’m not dying
Call me a hypochondriac
Or a women who knows there is something wrong with there body
What ever you please, maybe it’s both even I don’t know
Call me crazy, irrational, I don’t care
Sometimes I even think that too
To be so preoccupied with the thoughts of what ifs make your mind sick u say
Well maybe your right
But the sickness has already crawled in now, and made it’s home
I fear it’s to late
Let me know your thoughts and experinces below
Amy x
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