The pain and epsiodes come in waves, that Im still trying to ride out. One minute Im smiling and laughing living in the moment with only a few wee symtoms. And then the next Im in bed crying because my chest is in pain, my head hurts, i can feel my heart beating, my vsion is blurry with spots, the world is spinning, im sweating, i feel really ill like im about to be sick or get the flu.
I cry because it feels like it will never end.
I cry beause this is so unfair.
I cry because I pity myself.
I cry because the meds are helping, but its so many.
I cry because Im worried about the long term effects of some of the meds.
I cry because of the uncertanity of the future.
I cry because every step I take forwards feels like 3 steps backwards.
I cry because I feel like Im letting everyone down
I cry because I feel like I failed.
I cried because I don't know if my dreams will ever be achievable
I cry because I have no idea what now?
I cry because of the burning searing pain down my legs and back
I cry because it wont stop
I know it stops, but its the waiting thats awful. Its the reality that this is it, this is my life. It's the reality that it feels like I'm fighting my own body, as well fighting my mind, to not give up, to live for those moments im laughing with friends and my mum, hugging my dog, eating good food.
The other day I found selena gomez documentary called my mind and me. And the comfort I felt through watching was so immense. I cried, i laughed along with her. It felt like she was inside my brain. I thought I was the only one, it was refreshing seeing someone successful, struggling with her physical health and menatl health. Because I have this huge worry that I will never be success due to my health problems. And it was almost refreshing to see how go through these different waves in life, and it being okay. My heart goes out to her, she's been through so much and deserves the world.
I think chronic illness and menatl illness can feel very isolating, people rarely share the messy parts of myself, just the version of themselves with smiles put on them. Its why I love sharing the messy sides of myself in the hopes that somewhere out there someone feels less alone, by knowing there not the only one. To see Selena share her lupus journey, the tears because of the pain from the flare up, the fear of what this means. The constant managing it. To someone who is relatively new to this whole chronic illness thing, it felt achievable managing it, where before it had felt impossible.
Selena sharing her diagnosis with bipolar, was breath-taking, I was cheering her on through screen. Conversations about mental illness that are about other disorders outside or anxiety and depression categories, are seriously lacking.
Her conversations into the fear of getting jobs due to her diagnosis was literally so human. My ADHD diagnosis has never been discriminated by a job itself. But sometimes it causes me to doubt my abilities all the time, as well as my learning dyabilities. It led to my fears and worries at work of making mistakes and getting fired. However, I did get discriminated in the workplace due to my chronic illness pots. I had to leave my job because of it. I think its due to the lack of education around invisible disabilities, but also because unfortutly many workplaces wont even consider accommodations for physical disabilities even with a sick note. Its the frustrating reality. Its a very crucial conversation Selena brought to the table, that with diagnosis comes this fear of the uncertainty of the future.
I think sometimes celebrititys feel untouchable. Living this lifestyle so far away from our own lives, that we become obessed with there lives almost as an escapsim. (aka me who loves keeping up with the karadshains). But this documentary was the most relatable thing that Ive watched in ages. Her snapping and arguing with her loved ones, and feeling bad about it.
The conversation Selena had with Raquelle was so interesting to me. As Raquelle was almost accusing selena of not been ever satisfied with her job or life. I know to some people that would seem selfish and spoilt. But to me this was highly relatable to see. I feel that Ive never been truly content with where I am at my whole life (partly my ADHD, but also being human). I had horses and smallholding, and yet that didn't make me happy. I have my little family my mum and dog, and yet Im still not content I wish I had siblings a larger family. I got into uni, got good grades and yet still wasn't happy. I just feel like nothing I do will ever bring me happiness someday. And what i realised from watching Selena talk about how she truly felt happy helping people, rather than her job. It made me realise that I was striving to feel happy and content by these big things that I excepted to suddenly turn my life around. But really the things that made me happy was all the little things in life, writing, talking to people, laughing, trying new food, being active.
So thank you Selena, for helping me and others feel less alone. Like we can go on, and that we can do life. And that yes life is hard, but we are tough and we have got this in us, to ride out the waves. Thank you Selena for putting my thoughts and feelings into words on screen.
Love Amy x
More information
My mind and me documentary is out on apple tv follow this link (apple users get 6 months free of charge on apple tv subscription) Watch Selena Gomez: My Mind & Me | Apple TV+ (uk)
Her single is out that is attached to her podcast (follow the link here)Spotify – My Mind & Me - song and lyrics by Selena Gomez
I also have a podcast episode here were talking about menta health linked here, were I briefly talk about the documentary is a 40-minute listen, but well worth it :)
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