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Recently I was reading Dolly Alderton’s memoir, and if you haven’t read it I really would recommend it. My favourite part of the whole book, was when she wrote 30 things that she had learned at 30.

It got me reflecting on how I am turning 20 this year. I was talking to my mum about this the other day and she was like its just a number why are you so scared of it. The truth is I am not afraid of it I am in disbelief over it. It doesn’t feel so long I was turning 16, in lockdown and was watching the news everyday where Boris Johnson would come on the tv with covid updates. And how the world has changed in those 4 years, how I have changed in those years. At 16 it feels like life is just beginning, or at least it did for me. In a way my life did just begin at 16.

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At 15, my controlling abusive dad walked out on me and my mum. And that is when I feel our life really begun. I sometimes think of all the different scenarios, what if he hadn’t had left, what if lockdown didn’t happen, what if we never moved, what if, what if.

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Sometimes I get caught up in the what ifs, sometimes its an anxiety spiral, other time its because I like to let my imagination run wild. I find it fascinating that the way our life is now. Is partly because of the fate of the universe, and all these little decisions we make every day. When I was 18, I soon started to realise a lot of our habits, our beliefs and ways we behave is set up by the people around us, sometimes we mirror them, find parts of ourselves in them, a lot of the times we may not talk to those people still, but yet they still have shaped us. Sometimes we look at people’s behaviours and decide to be the opposite of them.

 

One thing I realised that growing up in age 16-19, this was the girlhood era. Me and my friends would crowd on my bed and tell funny stories, gossip, take quizzes and get drunk. We would run down the streets together, get drunk on a Sunday nights before sixth form on Monday.

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When I was 17, my ex had broken up with me and I had recently had a quite nasty fall out with a friend. And me and a group of my friends we had a ceremony where we threw everything to do with this ex and friend out the window. We ripped up the photos and threw them out of the window. I remember our screams of horror as just when we did that, a painting fell off the wall, we all screamed that it was there spirit.

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Another time we decided to get drunk and paint the walls of my bedroom, while eating Chinese, vaping and drinking.

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Sometimes I’m very nostalgic looking back, even though I wasn’t doing very well mentally then. In a way as Rachel green would say “I had my girls”

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When I was 17, I had to go in to the police station to give a statement against my dad and one of my most favourite friends to this day came with me and sat with me, while I sat in this room in the police station. She held my hand and gave me a hug.

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One time I had to go into a safe house to be questioned and give a video interview. In case you don’t know how it works, you get brung into a comfy room with sofas. Your parent or guardian waits outside, your support worker waits outside, one police officer dressed in normal clothes operates the camera in a separate room. You go into a room with another police officer, who asks you questions. You often spend between 40 minutes to 2 hours. And then you have a meeting with your support worker then you leave. After this my friend knew I was going through this and invited me round to see her dog.

Its little things in these friendships with these women who really shaped me in who I am today and what I have learnt over my teenager years and being a young adult. So as inspired by the Queen Dolly herself, here is 19 things I have learnt about life at 19.

 

No.1- bottle caps make good shot glasses, when you are trying to smuggle drink into sixth form prom.

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2. allow yourself to look “rough”, like you have “let yourself go”, it will be tough at the beginning, it will feel weird being able to go about your day without your hair perfectly straightened, the perfect outfit, your makeup on. But omg once you get used to its so freeing. So freeing to just merely exist and just throw an outfit on.

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3. There is a huge difference between being kind and nice. If someone describes you as the nicest person they have ever met after just meeting you once, RUN, seriously run. In my experience those people are going to be a dick if one day you slip up make a mistake, call them out on their behaviour, they will think being nice means they can walk over you, and then they will act surprised and angry when you finally snap. Be kind and by kind that means treating people with respect, having boundaries, being honest with them, not being passive aggressive, having boundaries with yourself, being polite but firm, saying no more, saying I don’t like this, I don’t feel comfortable talking about this. Being kind is distancing yourself from people who aren’t good for you, being kind is being kind to yourself, being kind is not being a bystander. Its standing up for what you believe in. Its calling out homophobia, islamophobia, anti-semtism, racism, transphobia, sexism.  Being kind is listening to people, it  is giving the ones you love space to feel all their emotions, being kind is walking away, asking for space, being kind is understanding someone’s behaviour, but still not justifying it.

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4. There is a massive difference between gossiping and talking about someone. Personally, if you do something dodgy or odd you have to except that people may be gossiping about you.  But talking about someone’s appearance, illness physical and mental, disability, life in a way that is disgusting and hurtful and just plain mean is not okay. Its just giving high school mean girls, and it makes u an ugly person inside.

Part 2. Also if you have someone who feels comfortable being mean about your friend to you, ask yourself why are you allowing them to talk about your friend like that to you. Ask why they feel comfortable saying this to you.

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5. fuck fashion rules! Seriously so what if you like to mix patterns or your colours don’t match. Fashion is art, and art is meant to rebel against the rule. If you want to wear that big bright yellow coat, were it. Wear stripes and poka dots. I promise you once you grow up all the so called “weird” people. Are going to be seen as cool and will most likely run successful art businesses, because they know who they are and know how to put themselves out there.

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6. Your life is your business, other peoples lives our none of your business. You might disagree with someone’s life decisions. But at the end of the day, it’s none of your business and you aren’t a fortune teller so you cant really tell what will be the outcome of someone’s decision. Also, what someone thinks of you is none of there business, have that party, go up and sing karaoke, ignore so called relationship rules (PS they don’t exist as every relationship is different and everyone wants and needs different things), dance, and sing, laugh loudly, be loud, take up room, ignore dirty stares, in fact smile straight back at them. If your happy with where you are at that’s all that matters.

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7. give your friends grace, we are not in high school we are all incredibly busy. If your friend doesn’t message you or call you as much. Give them so grace. Saying that make sure you do put effort into friendship, send them a text every now and then to say you are thinking of them, celebrate every little achievement, make effort for important events, send those funny TikTok’s, laugh about how shitty adult hood is together.

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8.quitting is not a failure. Change that uni course, drop out, do something else, start a business realise it’s not working and quit it, quit that friendship, or relationship that makes you feel bad all the time, quit that commitment that is bad for your mental health. Quitting is not failure, you will spend ages unlearning what school taught you is a failure and what is success. Spoiler schools don’t know what they are talking about.

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9. Life especially at the moment can feel bleak and overwhelming. Many of us are losing our civil rights, rights to healthcare, are struggling with money, hearing about awful stuff going on in the world. I think its perfectly understandable to feel low and anxious right now, make sure you ask for help and reach out. Sometimes you must be proactive to get help but don’t be scared to bring up difficult conversations with loved ones. You’ve got this I know it feels hard.

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10. you will probably cry more, over the friend who got the job they really wanted, your friend who’s in a loving healthy relationship, cry over looking back at past nostalgic memories, cry about bills, cry over friendships, cry over the photo you took which is just so beautiful, cry over uni, cry over the news. I Dunno what it is maybe its hormones, but I have never cried as much as I have at 19.

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11. Adulthood brings new horrors, but the catch is you have autonomy now. Dye your hair even if your mum doesn’t like it, get that tattoo, eat your breakfast at dinner time, buy your favourite snacks at the shop, go to bed when you want, leave an event when you want to. It brings new horrors but you get choice and independence to substitute this.

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12. People pleasing is actually manipulative and selfish. Its not as selfless as you think

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13. WARNING PEOPLE WITH HEALTH ANXIETY LOOK AWAY FROM THIS ONE

But statistically this age is the time when you are more likely you are to have a health problem. Don’t let medical professionals fob you off and say that “you are too young” or that its “just anxiety”. If something doesn’t feel right, keep pushing for answers. You deserve to have answers for your pain.

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14.Unpopular opinion soulmates don’t exist, unless its your dog or a sibling or something. Or at least soulmates exist just not in the way you think. Just because you think someone is a soulmate does not mean u can put up with there shitty behaviour or stop putting effort in.  I’m sorry that boy who rarely shower, forgot to buy you a Christmas present, and plays fifa all the time is not your soulmate. Love is an action.

A. No relationship is easy, you must put effort in. You are two or more people with a whole lot of baggage, different perspectives, fears, worries, struggles, stories, of course its not always going to be easy. But again, it doesn’t mean it should be super hard either

B. Communicate, communicate, communicate or at least try. Even if you have to use text and then hide your phone in your drawer. You are still communicating, its scary , its vulnerable.

C. You have to trust your partner/s, you can’t stop someone from cheating on you. No matter how much you try and control the situation. You must allow your partner to love you and just believe it on face value. That said if you have concerns you are well within the right to bring it up, just maybe in a calm, non-accusing way.

D. compatibility is a big thing especially now. Don’t confuse trying to compromise with giving up your life goals, your values, your dreams sometimes you might just be incompatible, and no amount of “compromise”, trying to change yourself to make it work will fix that.

E. I cant believe I have to say this, but obviously some people don’t get it. There is a huge difference between silent treatment and having space to process and calm down. Silent treatment is intended to punish you, to change, control and manage the other persons behaviour, and is a form of emotional abuse, end of IT IS NOT OK. Asking for space, is explaining calmly that you still love and care about the person, but you need some space to calm down, and putting a time frame on that, when you check in again, its not intended as a punishment, its for breathing space. Its for you both to self soothe and think.

F. Take that chance, don’t just put one foot through the door, open the door wide open and step through it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and to be loved by that person and to have fun

G. scarp all that above if you are in an unhealthy, toxic, abusive relationship.

H. It is really good to be good friends with your partner, trust me.

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15. Your sexuality is fluid; you can change your label whenever you want. Its no one else’s business, you also equally do not have to label yourself if you don’t want to.

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16. You will find yourself almost looking forward to the Sunday reset. Though I still do very much hate washing bed linen and making the bed.

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17. you will understand why your mum used to come home grumpy to a messy kitchen. When you live in uni halls, you will scrub the microwave like an grumpy tired mum, wondering why no one covers there food.

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18. find out what you love and enjoy and do it. Find out what your favourite coffee order, what your favourite food is, wear your favourite outfits, collect the trinkets you love. Find a hobby (trust me it will keep you occupied it’s a must), treat yourself give yourself a self-care night, have that early night, let yourself lie in, cook your favourite meals.

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19. Somehow you spend most of adulthood, reconnecting with your inner child. And unlearning loads of stuff that you learnt as a kid. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone, go to therapy. But most important be gentle to yourself, hug yourself and remind yourself that you have got this.