Poetry | Amy Kinnings Smith

Like a flower

You told me to toughen up

The world is rough, so you have to be tough

But I did the opposite I became soft

The world is rough but it could do with a little more softness in it

Turkish delight

I remember your smile as you would put me on your shoulders

The laugh that chortled in you when I made a joke

and how you would never have coffee after 4pm

I suppose I wonder why I knew so much about you, and you knew so little about me

I wonder why you never loved me, not for real

Because I also remeber how your hand would feel against my cheek

The sting of your gold banded wedding ring leaving its dents on my cheek

The way your words would feel like stab wounds to my heart

I remember this all

I have always wondered why you couldnt love me

It seemed such an unfeasible task for you, quite close to impossible

Everyone else seemed to have no problem but you

Maybe I just loved you more than you will ever love me.

Do you love me, do you not?

Picking at daisy petals

Do they love me? Do they not?

Asking myself over and again

Asking my friends

Asking my mum

Its funny how I never play this game anymore

Now I pick at daisy petals thanking my blessings for you

Tea and Cake

I've wanted to be left alone my entire life

Being alone is so peaceful

I'm free of the reactions of others

The vilgliance

The preassure

In my garden its just me watering the plants

Surrounded by nothing but the sun on my skin

The birds in the sky

But time after time the universe has never left me alone

I try and padlock the garden gate

Bolt it as shut as much as possible

But everytime some kind soul comes knocking on the door

Knocking ever so softly

Ever so gently

Asking me if I want tea and Cake

So we sit and watch the birds fly past

And pick the flowers that I've grown

Then afterwards we sit on chairs with a pot of tea

And watch our creation

Maybe its the universes way of caring for me

Proving me wrong

Im kindful thankful it is

Because I kind of like how people can surprise me.

The forgotten little girl

Did you hear about the little girl who was forgotten

Who grew up and got out

Did you hear about the little girl who wondered the woods looking for animals to rescue

Who would hide in wardrobes

And make up stories in her head

She was a bit crazy

But oh so brave

And strong too

She would tell the best jokes, always trying to make you smile

Her story now lost in the rustling of paper in someones desk

She may be forgotten

But I will never let her memory die

Turning our pain into art

Maybe we dont need to torture ourselves to produce art

Yes we can make art out of our pain

Turn our pain into art

Maybe we could make art out of our happiness

I think we already do this we just dont realise it

We make things for people we love

We take pictures of the things that bring us joy

We write about our days

We phone up the people we love to tell them good news

We take photos of the people we love, laughing

All of this art

Is meaningful

when will you stop?

When will you stop following me?

I can still see you in the shop window

In every red car

In the man stood in front of me in the queue

In every person who touches me

In my grey eyes

You have managed to follow me across the border

Its been 4 years and yet you still follow me

maybe to taunt me or to remind me of my betrayal?

You follow me in my moments of sleep

Crossing over into my dreams

When will you stop?

When I am 20?

30?

60?

Maybe you never will

I have tried everything to get rid of you

Every type of therapy, every pill

And yet you wont stop

And I still wake up covered in sweat

feeling my throat close up and room close in

I lay there and do my grounding technique

"I live with my mum and ruby now I am safe, I am safe now"

to try and calm my shaky hand, as my head swirls

And yet you never really go away

Please stop following me

You

You walk around and hold the umbrella for me, so I'm not soaked on the journey from the car and the door of your house

I wonder how I got so lucky to meet you

To get to be loved by you

To be cared for by you

I used to always think I was the person who loved more, cared more

That was my thing, thought it always would be

Rather arrogant of me looking back to think I was that special that I deserved less

But now I hold your arm and walk with you, yapping on about some random thought I had

While you hold the umbrella, fighting with it the wind

And I smile as I enter the door and turn to you, as I am just so happy

How things change

Sometimes I smile into the mirror

At the thought that I will never walk through the door

And that silence and violence will wait for me

Now I can simply go through my front door and be greeted by a happy dog to see me

Do you go to confession?

I wonder if you sit in the confession box on the 12th August

And explain about me

Do you feel ashamed? guilty even?

I often wonder what you do on the 12th

Do you pray for me?

Pray for my forgiveness

unlikely

or do you pray for your forgiveness

even more unlikely

Do you see me as your greatest sin? or what you did to me as your greatest sin?

I suppose you probably more care about gods judgment, than my judgement

Yu care more about still entering heaven, rather than seeking my forgiveness

I wonder if on the 12th you curse my name

Do you miss me though?

I wonder if on the 12th, you try to find a perfect gift, and decide to send it

I wonder if thats why i just get £5 gift cards

Maybe you thought better of it?

I wonder if you relaise that its the 12th not the 14th

But still at least you have the 14th underlined on your calendar

Have you forgotten about me?

Your 15 year sin

Shattered pieces

I am a mosiac of all the people I have never known

My shattered pieces

The pieces that shine

My coffee order

My music taste

All crafted by so many people

some people I miss

Some people I love

Some of them I dont know any more

But yet they all exist in my life still

Sharing

I realised I liked you

When everywhere I went

I imagined how much you would enjoy it

What you would say

I can hear the jokes you would say in my head

I realised I liked you

When I wanted to share everything with you

Kettle

She wasnt there

She doesnt remember

Screams in my head

Rattles in my brain

Of course she doesnt

She wasnt there

She doesnt remember that though

The screams in my head

Whistling to get out

To be blown into the air

Maybe then she would remember

Shot down

I wonder if you can outrun a house

A memory

A room

A person

And if you can

Would you ever reach the horizon

Or would you be dragged back kicking and screaming

Do you think of me on the 12th?

Do I haunt you like you haunt me?

Do you see my face in your reflection

Like I see yours

I hope you do

I hope when you see me in your reflection

You feel guilt

I hope it haunts you

Like you do to me

Do you think of me on the 12th?

Like I do on the 20th

Probably not

You probably think its the 13th

Do I haunt you

Like you haunt me

I hope I do

The Yellow Coat

She was a bit lost

Stood in a sea of colours

Armed with a yellow coat and a wary smile

Till someone greeted her

With open arms

And an open smile that bared no teeth

Which made her realise maybe she wasnt lost anymore

Maybe she had finally found it the thing she was searching for

A friend

Coffee Cup

The cup fills the space in my hands that you sometimes fill

I've got my fill of the cafe, full of bustling people, who are not you

But for now the coffee cup will warm my hands, until yours does again

You liked cornflakes

I know its for the better

Your favourite cereal was cornflakes

I know its for the best

Everyday after the school run you would get turkish delight for us to share

I know its for the better

You hated me

I know its for the best

You would take a bath everyday at 4pm

I know its for the better

Every morning you had coffee with two spoons of sugar and half a cup of milk

I know its for the best

I hate you

I know its for the better

you dreamt of having a garden and growing vegetable

I know its for the best

You would hold my hand when I was scared

I know its for the better

You hurt me and other people

I know its for the best

We would bird watch together, in the hide for hours

I know its for the better

I know its for the best

But you were there when I was born

The bitter women

So many times I have been told to make sure I am not spiteful

But I have always wondered why?

Why cant I be bitter

And spiteful and angry

"But oh youll turn into a bitter old women, you must forgive and move on"

Why though

Let me be a bitter old women, with my books and my cats

I am fine with my spite

You dont need to fix me or soften me

I am not a lifeless doll

I am a human being

The desperation of the sick

The worst part about being sick is the desperation

I know I reek of it

I pass by pharamcys and scan the aisles hoping for a cure

Every doctors appt, I sit hopefully perched on the edge

hoping this will be the doctor to cure me

Im desperate

so desperate for a cure

so desperate that I scare doctord

"Are you sure?"

It all feels so heavy

I dont want you to see me like this

I dont want to bring this heaviness to you

I dont want you to carry it for me, its too heavy

I barely manage to

I dont want you to have to deal with this forever like I have too

Its just so heavy

Are you sure you want to witness it?

Urban Outfitters

The mirror in the changing room

reflects my reflection back to me

It doesnt look like me

I can see the parts of my body that my own body is attacking

Its very weird to think of my own body attacking me

Like I am made for my skin, but not for my own skin, cells, organs

I can see the rash growing

The nail that is falling off

The patch of no hair

The sore that I have covered with a plaster

I stare into the mirror and I imagine what my insides must look like

Its weird as all I see in the mirror is my sickness creeping into every pocket of my body

But to others I am just the girl with red hair, who smiles and laughs

The moon

I whisper up to her

"what if I dont make it"

"what if I fail"

she looks down at me and says

"I see throughout the door, as well as the night"

I stare, confused

"at night you fall apart sometimes, but every morning you get up and try"

And then she disappears with a smile

behind the english clouds

Chronic pain

Its all in my head

Its not real

But how can it not be real

If its in my head? because surely that still makes it real?

Even though mine is in my body

Surely its real, it feels real for me

maybe I am going insane? instead

The greek sea

The water splashes against me

Sending a shiver down my spine

As if I am suddenley reminded of the coldness of the sea

My hair is floating in the salty sea water

my brown hair reflecting off the blue of the water

I look up at the sky as the birds fly past

The clouds appear to be floating along with me

Reminding me Im not alone

And I float and float

and just be

just me and the sea

And nothing bad happens

Occasional I'm thinking of all the bad in the world

but then a wave splashes me again reminding me to be still

So I float and smile

As if the sea if an old friending gifting me time and rest

And I wonder if this is what exiting on earth is all about

The survival of women

She turns on you in order to protect herself

Protect herself from you fate

she wants to survive

the humilation

the shame

So she turns on you

laughing at you

taunting you

the survival and mockery of you, is at the expense of her sanity

But you are easy to blame

She is just trying to keep herself safe

She picked up the stone and threw it at you

Stoning you so she wouldnt be stoned herself

shes just trying to survive

so she threw the stone

the stone hits hard

right on the cheek

she turns as if she cant se the suffering she has inflicted for the enemey